Turning the bad into good

Unfortunately it seems like there are so many child abuse cases these days. You see all of the articles in the newspapers, on tv and the internet. A few months ago I thought what can I do to make a difference? I looked up child abuse volunteering on the internet and found the CASA program- Court Appointed Special Advocate. I had never heard of the program before but the more I read, the more I realized that was my calling. A CASA meets with a child/or siblings while their case is going on (usually a year) to be their voice in court. Childrens voices need to be heard. You are not a mentor, but you basically become like one. The CASA program is in every state and I encourage everyone to get involved in it and to make a difference in a child's life. I was sworn in on my Mother's B-Day- how ironic that was. I know that was fate. Turning the bad into good.

My behavior growing up in this environment

Tonight I thought I would write a little bit about my behavior growing up in this situation especially since friends of mine from High School have recently found me over the internet and I thought this might shed some light into my "bad" behavior back then. Since the time when my Mom and her boyfriend were abusing me starting at age 11, my goal was to be as bad as I could possibly be -kind of like payback to my Mother for putting me through that over and over again. I was 14 when I was with my first boyfriend- I didn't even feel a thing as I was being raped every Sunday for 3 years already. I was very promiscuous. I had no fear of sex- as a matter of fact I hated it. I just did it because I knew I wasn't supposed to. I would drink and smoke every chance I'd get and as a matter of fact my Mom would buy me alcohol to try & keep me happy. I would come home at 3-4 in the morning wasted drunk and sometimes I would make it to the top of the stairs in my house and she'd be yelling at me and I would just laugh and slide back down the stairs on my stomach. My Mom would smoke pot some but as far as I knew never hard drugs. The one time I tried Cocaine; I hated it by the way; she seemed jealous that I had tried it and so I think that's why she had to try it! I remember calling my Dad from Dayton Beach, FL. when I was on Spring Break with my friends and he was worried and hoped that I wouldn't get in trouble. Then I called my Mom and she proceeded to tell me that her and her boyfriend bought some Cocaine but they think that they were given some sugar instead. I remember thinking what a difference those 2 calls were. What a crazy life! I think that Mom and her boyfriend had drugged me at times while they were having their way with me. I felt really out of it at times and I started blacking out more and more. It might have just been the stress.

Faith in God

It's Sunday and as Sundays were a dreaded day for me when I was younger, now they are a day of praising God. See, until a few years ago, I didn't go to Church regularly. I didn't seem to care one way or the other about God. He was just "there". A few years ago, I went with my relatives when they came to visit and we went to Church and I felt more at peace there than I had my whole life. I went through Adult Religious Education and then through Confirmation and Communion. I had put my Faith into God and after a little encouragement from my friends; realized that it's God's calling for me to help others that have gone through abuse. After I started this blog a few days ago, I felt such a strong inner peace that I knew I was doing the right thing by writing about my experience. I would never blame God for what I went through- I simply think of it as learning experience as there are others that have endured far worse than I. I pray for them everyday and wish that I could help them somehow.

Abuse passed down in the family?

I wonder to this day if my Mother was sexually abused by my Grandfather? I remember my Mom got really upset with him one day as he was talking about how he had won a car and had given it to my Mom's sister- when in fact he had given it to my Mom. He passed away several years ago, but my Grandmother would get so upset when he would hold my hand that I thought that was wierd. I was going to tell my Grandmother years ago what my Mom and her boyfriend Jim had done to me and she immediately told me "don't tell me because I won't be proud of you- your Mother is a good person as she would bring me fresh peaches"!! What kind of response was that?? I had written my Mother a letter about 10 years ago telling her my suspicions about this and she never responded. I'm proud to say, that if the abuse was making it down through the generations of my family- it reached it's end with me.