Surviving Child Sexual Abuse

Welcome to my blog- I'm writing this because I want to help others that have endured sexual abuse since I went through this myself from the ages of 11-18. So many kids these days are thrown into incredibly horrible, traumatic situations in which they don't know where to turn- usually because of fear. When I was growing up I was so afraid to tell because my Mother threatened to kill me, my Father and my Brother or my friends if I said anything. The few times I did say something to my friends, she was "convienently" listening to the conversations and oh, all hell broke loose the two times. Every week, when it got closer to Sunday, my stomach would be in knots with dread. I got to the point in which I started blacking out from the stress. Once I even "supposedly" cussed out my Mother's boyfriend in which to this day I don't remember doing. Your body goes through some bad things when you have intense stress to deal with. Kids need to tell a trusted adult the minute anything happens and to get out of that situation as soon as you can, because chances are things will progress each time and each time it will be worse until you end up like how I was -going through it for 7 years and being 18 years old with ulcers and a lot of trauma to work through.

Monday, January 12, 2009

My behavior growing up in this environment

Tonight I thought I would write a little bit about my behavior growing up in this situation especially since friends of mine from High School have recently found me over the internet and I thought this might shed some light into my "bad" behavior back then. Since the time when my Mom and her boyfriend were abusing me starting at age 11, my goal was to be as bad as I could possibly be -kind of like payback to my Mother for putting me through that over and over again. I was 14 when I was with my first boyfriend- I didn't even feel a thing as I was being raped every Sunday for 3 years already. I was very promiscuous. I had no fear of sex- as a matter of fact I hated it. I just did it because I knew I wasn't supposed to. I would drink and smoke every chance I'd get and as a matter of fact my Mom would buy me alcohol to try & keep me happy. I would come home at 3-4 in the morning wasted drunk and sometimes I would make it to the top of the stairs in my house and she'd be yelling at me and I would just laugh and slide back down the stairs on my stomach. My Mom would smoke pot some but as far as I knew never hard drugs. The one time I tried Cocaine; I hated it by the way; she seemed jealous that I had tried it and so I think that's why she had to try it! I remember calling my Dad from Dayton Beach, FL. when I was on Spring Break with my friends and he was worried and hoped that I wouldn't get in trouble. Then I called my Mom and she proceeded to tell me that her and her boyfriend bought some Cocaine but they think that they were given some sugar instead. I remember thinking what a difference those 2 calls were. What a crazy life! I think that Mom and her boyfriend had drugged me at times while they were having their way with me. I felt really out of it at times and I started blacking out more and more. It might have just been the stress.
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